Monday, May 4, 2009

hey, I'm just enjoying this beautiful day w/ my 4 yr. old, Braiden. He loves going to the Mall and riding the "toys". Train, horse, police car, and bus. It doesn't take much to make a little boy happy. We went after taking his brother to school. Then grocery shopping. We are having a great bonding day. I love one on one time with each of my boys. I wish I could spend more one on one w/ the 7 yr. old, Brady and the 17 yr. old, Brandon.
Brandon moved in w/ a girlfriend. They are actually just staying w/ other friends, neither one of them have jobs. He has to learn life lessons the hard way. He's already hitting me up for money. We get a long so well now and he is acting a lot different than he did a yr ago. I hope he's maturing, finally. I expect him to be calling Grandma soon to come back home. That's where he was living before. They aren't always good for each other. Too much alike in so many ways. They fight like kids, see who can stab the knife in the heart the furthest. Very childish mud slinging goes on there. I get very frustrated.

I had my lumpectomy on April 16, had to get the breast aspirated two weeks later. Got 100 cc's of blood/fluid out. nasty stuff.

it's still pretty swollen. I see the surgeon again on Wed. I will be starting radiation in a couple of weeks. It's almost over and I can't believe it. I stopped wearing my hat a couple of weeks ago, it feel so good.
The surgeon gave me a good report. No lymph node involvement. THAT'S AWESOME!!!!!
He said he got "close" margins, but no evidence of any cancer left. there was some still in what he removed, even after chemo. But, that's what radiation is for, to get the little buggers that can go unseen.
I feel pretty good, kinda like I have a sunburn on my breast and around my arm, back of shoulder area from the lymph node biopsy (removal). I'm also still numb around the incision site.
I know I will have some reconstruction when radiation is over. He took the whole lower part of my breast, so it will be like a deflated balloon when all of the swelling is gone.
Well, I will post soon.
Thanks to everyone who included me in their prayers throughout my journey. I am finally starting to feel like I'm getting my life back.

Monday, April 20, 2009


I am actually feeling like my old self again. I can't wait to go camping, to parks, exploring with the kids. Put my hair in a ponytail. lol
Spending time with the family without the though of cancer always being on my mind, even though they don't know it. I do.
I know I will still think about it. I will do everything my onc. tells me to do: follow up, etc.
I think I might take up swimming. The High School has open swim starting at 5:00 a.m. I could be home in time to get everyone off to school.
I'm going to take on-line classes and get a degree. Maybe in the criminal law field, I've been interested in detective work for a while. I don't know how demanding that is here. I feel like a kid who is trying to decide what to be when I grow up. The skies the limit.
God bless all.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Well, I have a lumpectomy scheduled for Thurs. 4/16, depending on my MRI results. I will call the hospital today to see about that. My Breast Surgeon really thinks I'm a good candidate for the lumpectomy w/ node biopsy. I pray there are no nodes involved. I've been reading about that and removal of nodes and lymphodema. I don't want to have to worry about that. I am still a little hesitant about the lumpectomy vs. mastectomy.
I've been set on bilat mastectomy for all these months (6). Now... I'm just afraid I'll be leaving the door open for a new cancer or reocurrence. Then I'll get a mastectomy.
So, should I play the odds and go this direction?
I feel really comfortable with the surgeon and trust what he told me. I really love the idea of conserving my breasts. Especially since there is no plastic surgeon at my hospital to reconstruct after surgery.
I would switch hospitals if I needed a mastectomy and will if the MRI shows a lumpectomy isn't possible. I should know soon. I'm calling there when I get done posting here.
I just can't believe this is almost over. I am starting to feel like a ton of weight is being lifted off of me. A light at the end of the tunnel.
Radiation is a downer, though. Every day for 5-7 weeks. My hospital is almost an hour away. That is going to be a pain for not just me but everyone involved. Sister-in-law or mother-in-law, I'll need a babysitter. My fiance will maybe go with me. I could take myself though. They are awesome though, they've been there every time I've needed them. I just feel like such a burden on people since this all started. I'm going to check my local hospital to see if they do radiation therapy. They don't have a very good reputation though. I can't wait to have a normal life back. Whatever normal is.
I have hair now. It's still a little too thin on top to go out without a hat, but it's getting there. I have bedhead in the mornings and my 4 yr. old son, Braiden, likes to comb it. My 17 yr. old son, Brandon needs a haircut right now and said he wants his hair cut like mine. We look a lot alike now with my hair so short, it's funny. My 7 yr. old, Brady, is a little embarrassed when I go to his school. I just tell him there's no reason to feel embarrassed when kids ask why I don't have any hair, it's from the chemo and it's not my fault, it will come back. That part is hard for me. I don't want him to feel that way.
I know it will all be just a memory soon. And I don't go to his school unless he has a play or I bring juice for a party, or he forgot his backpack one day. I take him in the morning, but nobody sees my. His dad picks him up after school every since this started. You have to wait at the doors for Kindergarten and first graders to be released to parents so all the parents stand out there socializing. No thanks!!!!! I have a hard enough time going grocery shopping.
I take and pick up Braiden from preschool Tue and Thur, it's a small class, I don't mind that too much.
We are going out to eat with Chad's (fiance) boss and wife tonight at the Country Club. I am a little anxious. But, they were nice enough to invite us and know my surgery is coming up. I haven't been very sociable for a while, so I think I can do this. I seem to be alright once I get out, it's just the getting ready and looking in the mirror part that bothers me. Then I usually forget how I look when I'm not focusing on it.
I am just excited every day more and more that my hair is showing itself more and more.
The surgery is scheduled and I am at the end, finally, of this life changing journey. I am going to make it. With the help and support of so many like me.
The wonderful people here who have supported me, even though my posts have been few and far between lately. I appreciate and love you all.
I promise to check in if the surgery gets changed to mastectomy. And definitely after the surgery as soon as I am up to it.
God bless you all.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I'm back. I guess I haven't had anything new to say. But, now I will tell you that my last chemo treatment was yesterday, I'M DONE. It hasn't sunk in quite yet. I'm having mixed feelings. Part of me is very glad to be done getting poked all the time and part of me is scared that now that the chemo isn't fighting the cancer, it will get strong again and invade somewhere else.
I will get an MRI in two weeks and then meet with my Breast Surgeon to schedule my surgery. So, it will happen in the next 30 days or so. That is scaring me to death. I keep hearing it's not as bad as I think and it's more emotional than anything. But, I am a very anxious person. I worry and get myself all worked up just from the anticipation of what's to come. So, this is making me almost sick and I feel like I'm floating and can't focus on life right now.
I hope, with time, I will feel differently and when I start getting back to normal, post chemo, I will feel different, too.
I know my body had some healing to do now and I am pretty patient, so I will put my faith in God, and I know a lot of people have gone through this and have survived a very long time. I will be one of those people.

I will get through surgery.
I will go to all of my follow up appointments.
I will not waste my time/life worrying about "what if it comes back"
I will live my life.
I will make each day count.
I will love more than ever

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Hey fellow bloggers,
I'm getting a little cabin fever. I can't wait for spring. I need to sit outside and soak up the sun and listen to the birds and watch the kids hunt for bugs. Soon. I'm tired of being cold and bald.
I am getting some hair. It doesn't make sense, I'm not even done with chemo 3 more treatments. Oh well, I'll take it. It's coming in very slowly. I'm going to order a short wig. I have 2 long ones that I don't wear. They get in my face, so if I get a short one I think I will wear it sometimes. I am bored. I've gained between 5-10 pounds depending on how well/bad I do. I seem to go up one week and down the next. I don't go to the gym because I have no hair. I just want my life back. I know it will never be the same. I'm OK with that. I've gone through a lot of changes. I have a teenager who put me through a lot. I can go with the flow and adapt to whatever life throws at me. I just feel like time is precious and now I'm waiting. Wasting time waiting to act normal again. Go to the gym, Weight Watchers. Pick up my son from school and stand with the other parents. Not try to time my grocery shopping for the slowest hr. I want to be able to look people in the eye and smile at them. Not walk with my head down and hope no one notices the hat that's covering my bald head. I am sick of this. I know it shouldn't be important. The cancer is the important thing. The chemo is doing it's job. And I am having surgery, too.
That's the other thing. I am getting very scared about being put to sleep and having my boobs cut off. I try not to think about it, but it's getting closer by the day. I know it will pass and soon it will be a memory. Reading other people's experiences helps. Like Cora's. Thank you for posting your experience. I still an very anxious.
This too shall pass.
I am a very blessed person. I am thankful for all that God has given me. I am thankful for the strength He has gifted me. I will make it through this and anything else by the grace of God.
He has a plan for me and getting through this is all a part of it. I can't wait to see what He has planned for after surviving cancer. It better be good!!!!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

This was me (middle), my sister and brother. I was probably 3 or 4 1973 or 74. Just wanted to share.
I haven't blogged in almost a month. WOW!!! time flies. I have been on the www.nosurrenderbreastcancer site a lot. I love it there. I had an MRI and my biggest tumor now measures 6mm as opposed to 1 cm from before. The smaller one is smaller too. I started Abraxane Dec. 22 and will finish on March 4th. I'll double check that tomorrow when I go for my next treatment. The abraxane is going very well. No big side effects, no premeds, no steroids. I get tired, fatigued a little still. But, with little kids, I would probably feel like that anyway. I haven't gone to the gym since Oct., nor to a Weight Watcher's meeting. I have gained between 5 and 10 lbs. I'm going up and down. I will go back, but I need to get up the courage. I've kind of became a hermit since the hair loss.
I will be meeting with my Breast Surgeon in the next week or two to discuss that. I will take a few weeks off after chemo to get my body stronger. So, I'm thinking early April. I am dreading that, but at the same time, I can't wait for it to be over. I hope I can find a Plastic Surgeon soon. My hospital doesn't have one right now. I think my BS can recommend one. I'll find out soon. I wanted to start recon. at the same time. Maybe they will find one by then.
Well, I'll check in later.
It's suppose to be in the 40's Thurs. and through the weekend. Raining Thurs. and Fri. I'm tired of the cold/snow. This has been an awful cold, lonely, depressing and looonng winter.
I can't wait to smell grass. Mow grass. Plant flowers, brush my hair, tie it back and go to the gym. Cancer free!!!!!!!! The day will come.
I will get this extra weight off, and then some. I will have new, higher boobs, and a tummy tuck to go with it. I will beat cancer and be an even stronger person.
My kids will respect me for all of this and not put me through any more stress. EVER!!!
Brandon will find success in his life, whatever that may be. He will be a happy, loving, respectful person (to others AND himself).
I pray this year treats us all better than ever.
ALL OF US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!