May '08: Me and my 3 boys - Brandon 17, Brady 6 and Braiden 3.

Hanging in there

I had my last A/C Wed. I'm the normal tired, fatigued and depressed two days later. I've got the constipation under control. I take colace 2 days before, the day of and as many days after as I need to, it helps soooooo much. I hate the puffiness the few days after chemo and I always gain like 5 lbs. within 2 days. But, I get another MRI Dec. 1st and if the tumors are still shrinking we will start Paclitaxel. 4 rounds every other Wed. starting Dec. 3. There are less side effects with that. If the tumors have stopped shrinking we will discuss which surgery I will need. Then finish the chemo. I can't think that far ahead, but I have been reading about mastectomies and reconstructive surgery. I am not looking forward to that. I just keep thinking the sooner it gets here the sooner it will be over. I know I'm doing better than most on this chemo. I just had a house full of sick people. First, my niece, then Chad, then Brady. He missed 3 days of school. Chad missed 4 days of work spread out in 2 weeks. He had it, was better, then got it again. Stomach flu. Braiden and I were the only ones that didn't get it. Thank God. I sanitized everything all day long. Washed hands constantly, bleached bathrooms daily, kept hand sanitizer in every room. Wore a mask when I was in close contact with the sick. I think it's gone. Knock in wood. I'm just glad that I wasn't feeling bad (from chemo) it hit in the second week, so I usually feel pretty good during my second week. Usually. Last time I had headaches more in the second week. I am drinking more caffeine now. I tried to quit when I started chemo. The headaches were too much. My onc. said maybe this wasn't a good time to quit caffeine. I limited it, but can't go cold turkey. It's ok. I read somewhere you shouldn't drink caffeine during chemo. Wrong. Be careful what you read. You just shouldn't count it as your daily water, which you also need. I already know that from Weight Watchers. Anyway, I just wanted to check in with all of you. I will update after my MRI. I feel good about it. I will know at my next Onc. appointment Dec. 3.
God Bless you all who visit me. Thank you

Oh yeah, one more thing. I've been getting out a little more, with hats only, I really want to get over worrying about being looked at, so I just decided to get out and look back with a smile. Chad ordered some hats and accessories for me the other night. I feel better about being bald. I'm sure it will get easier with time. I'm just glad it's not in the middle of summer. I'd rather be a little cold and double up in hats if i need to than be hot and sweaty with a hat. I really try to be positive, thanks to my kids, I never used to be, in those oh so depressing, thought I had nothing to live for, teen years. My kids will be more positive about life than I was, because I am showing them how to overcome all obstacles, with a smile.

Two days post Chemo 3. Heart looks the same as before Chemo so we are continuing AC. One more now. Then another kind, I'm not sure of the name. In all reality I will need some sort of surgery, depending on how small the tumors get and if they can get clean margins, but I try not to think about that too much, just focusing on the good news for now. I'm feeling pretty good today. I haven't taken any meds., yet. I do the first two days, but I do better the third day and the headaches and constipation are not fun. Anyway, I hope everyone who checks in with me is well. I'm so glad I started this blog. All of your comments and support are so helpful and inspiring.

Here are my hair buzzing pictures. Now I'm all stubbly and itchy. Does anybody have any advice? I don't want to shave the stubble, because I'm afraid of razor burn. I just hope that the stubble will fall out anyway in a few more days. I'm ok with the bald look. I did it Sat. and today was the first day I left the house. I wore my wig to the store and it bugged me. So, I just wore a hat to pick up Braiden from preschool. The teachers know about everything, but I felt like everyone was looking at me, even in the car at stop lights. I know I'm being paranoid and I'll get use to it, but today was the first day out and I cried a little in the car, knowing this is going to be the way I look for a number of months. My oldest son Brandon, 17 who lives with my mom doesn't even want to see me because he says he can't handle it. I told him on myspace that I'd wear my wig or hat. I'm still his mom. I sent pix to my mom. He saw them. I just keep telling him that I'm ok and fine with being bald. I get my MRI Fri. 10/31 to see the progress of my chemo. I can feel a big difference in the lumps already. Thanks to all of you for your prayers. Keep it up. I know it's working. God Bless you all.

Losing hair by the handful

well, Wed Oct. 22, 14 days after chemo #1, just like my Onc. told me. There is was in my hands in the shower, getting ready for my 2nd chemo treatment. I cried a little and got a grip. Then at the Onc. office waiting, I looked in the mirror to just run my fingers through it and it was flying out. Chad grabbed a wad from the back of my head and that did it. I bawled like a baby. After a minute I felt kind of stupid, I know I am so much more fortunate than so many others. I have so much to be hopeful for, I decided to get my head shaved. I have the wig and wear hats a lot the last two days, just to keep it from getting all over. So, now that I'm dealing with the reality of hair loss now, I can't wait for it to just be gone and over with. I feel OK though, other than really tired. Chad will pick up Brady from school at 3:30 and then I will go take a little nap until supper time. I know I'm blessed. I think my oldest one Brandon, 17, who lives with my mother is taking things hard. He doesn't talk about it much, and when I bring up chemo, or going bald, ( I joke about things a lot) he wants to change the subject. Although, my mom told me that once when she was crying about me, he said "Don't you know my mom's a soldier, she's gonna be fine." I told him he's made me the strong person I am today. He's been through, and put me through a lot. He is suppose to join Job Corp., hopefully, Nov. 1. Please pray this works out, it is my last bit of hope that he will be OK. By OK, I mean able to function in society, have a home, job, car and stay out of trouble, jail or worse. Well, it's almost time for my nap. I'll check in later. Thank to everyone for your support. I love you all.

New pictures