Stacy's Stuff

2009-05-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

hey, I'm just enjoying this beautiful day w/ my 4 yr. old, Braiden. He loves going to the Mall and riding the "toys". Train, horse, police car, and bus. It doesn't take much to make a little boy happy. We went after taking his brother to school. Then grocery shopping. We are having a great bonding day. I love one on one time with each of my boys. I wish I could spend more one on one w/ the 7 yr. old, Brady and the 17 yr. old, Brandon.
Brandon moved in w/ a girlfriend. They are actually just staying w/ other friends, neither one of them have jobs. He has to learn life lessons the hard way. He's already hitting me up for money. We get a long so well now and he is acting a lot different than he did a yr ago. I hope he's maturing, finally. I expect him to be calling Grandma soon to come back home. That's where he was living before. They aren't always good for each other. Too much alike in so many ways. They fight like kids, see who can stab the knife in the heart the furthest. Very childish mud slinging goes on there. I get very frustrated.

I had my lumpectomy on April 16, had to get the breast aspirated two weeks later. Got 100 cc's of blood/fluid out. nasty stuff.

it's still pretty swollen. I see the surgeon again on Wed. I will be starting radiation in a couple of weeks. It's almost over and I can't believe it. I stopped wearing my hat a couple of weeks ago, it feel so good.
The surgeon gave me a good report. No lymph node involvement. THAT'S AWESOME!!!!!
He said he got "close" margins, but no evidence of any cancer left. there was some still in what he removed, even after chemo. But, that's what radiation is for, to get the little buggers that can go unseen.
I feel pretty good, kinda like I have a sunburn on my breast and around my arm, back of shoulder area from the lymph node biopsy (removal). I'm also still numb around the incision site.
I know I will have some reconstruction when radiation is over. He took the whole lower part of my breast, so it will be like a deflated balloon when all of the swelling is gone.
Well, I will post soon.
Thanks to everyone who included me in their prayers throughout my journey. I am finally starting to feel like I'm getting my life back.

2009-04-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

I HAVE COME THROUGH SURGERY WITH FLYING COLORS.
NODES WERE NEGATIVE. YIPPY!!!!!!!!
I FEEL LIKE MY BATTLE IS WON. JUST WAITING ON PATH REPORT.
IF THAT COMES BACK CLEAN, I START RADIATION AND LIVING MY LIFE AGAIN.
I LOST THIS WHOLE WINTER, BETTER WINTER THAN SUMMER. AND, OF COARSE, I KNOW IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

I am actually feeling like my old self again. I can't wait to go camping, to parks, exploring with the kids. Put my hair in a ponytail. lol
Spending time with the family without the though of cancer always being on my mind, even though they don't know it. I do.
I know I will still think about it. I will do everything my onc. tells me to do: follow up, etc.
I think I might take up swimming. The High School has open swim starting at 5:00 a.m. I could be home in time to get everyone off to school.
I'm going to take on-line classes and get a degree. Maybe in the criminal law field, I've been interested in detective work for a while. I don't know how demanding that is here. I feel like a kid who is trying to decide what to be when I grow up. The skies the limit.
God bless all.

2009-04-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I have a lumpectomy scheduled for Thurs. 4/16, depending on my MRI results. I will call the hospital today to see about that. My Breast Surgeon really thinks I'm a good candidate for the lumpectomy w/ node biopsy. I pray there are no nodes involved. I've been reading about that and removal of nodes and lymphodema. I don't want to have to worry about that. I am still a little hesitant about the lumpectomy vs. mastectomy.
I've been set on bilat mastectomy for all these months (6). Now... I'm just afraid I'll be leaving the door open for a new cancer or reocurrence. Then I'll get a mastectomy.
So, should I play the odds and go this direction?
I feel really comfortable with the surgeon and trust what he told me. I really love the idea of conserving my breasts. Especially since there is no plastic surgeon at my hospital to reconstruct after surgery.
I would switch hospitals if I needed a mastectomy and will if the MRI shows a lumpectomy isn't possible. I should know soon. I'm calling there when I get done posting here.
I just can't believe this is almost over. I am starting to feel like a ton of weight is being lifted off of me. A light at the end of the tunnel.
Radiation is a downer, though. Every day for 5-7 weeks. My hospital is almost an hour away. That is going to be a pain for not just me but everyone involved. Sister-in-law or mother-in-law, I'll need a babysitter. My fiance will maybe go with me. I could take myself though. They are awesome though, they've been there every time I've needed them. I just feel like such a burden on people since this all started. I'm going to check my local hospital to see if they do radiation therapy. They don't have a very good reputation though. I can't wait to have a normal life back. Whatever normal is.
I have hair now. It's still a little too thin on top to go out without a hat, but it's getting there. I have bedhead in the mornings and my 4 yr. old son, Braiden, likes to comb it. My 17 yr. old son, Brandon needs a haircut right now and said he wants his hair cut like mine. We look a lot alike now with my hair so short, it's funny. My 7 yr. old, Brady, is a little embarrassed when I go to his school. I just tell him there's no reason to feel embarrassed when kids ask why I don't have any hair, it's from the chemo and it's not my fault, it will come back. That part is hard for me. I don't want him to feel that way.
I know it will all be just a memory soon. And I don't go to his school unless he has a play or I bring juice for a party, or he forgot his backpack one day. I take him in the morning, but nobody sees my. His dad picks him up after school every since this started. You have to wait at the doors for Kindergarten and first graders to be released to parents so all the parents stand out there socializing. No thanks!!!!! I have a hard enough time going grocery shopping.
I take and pick up Braiden from preschool Tue and Thur, it's a small class, I don't mind that too much.
We are going out to eat with Chad's (fiance) boss and wife tonight at the Country Club. I am a little anxious. But, they were nice enough to invite us and know my surgery is coming up. I haven't been very sociable for a while, so I think I can do this. I seem to be alright once I get out, it's just the getting ready and looking in the mirror part that bothers me. Then I usually forget how I look when I'm not focusing on it.
I am just excited every day more and more that my hair is showing itself more and more.
The surgery is scheduled and I am at the end, finally, of this life changing journey. I am going to make it. With the help and support of so many like me. http://www.nosurrenderbrestcancer.org/
The wonderful people here who have supported me, even though my posts have been few and far between lately. I appreciate and love you all.
I promise to check in if the surgery gets changed to mastectomy. And definitely after the surgery as soon as I am up to it.
God bless you all.

2009-03-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I guess I haven't had anything new to say. But, now I will tell you that my last chemo treatment was yesterday, I'M DONE. It hasn't sunk in quite yet. I'm having mixed feelings. Part of me is very glad to be done getting poked all the time and part of me is scared that now that the chemo isn't fighting the cancer, it will get strong again and invade somewhere else.
I will get an MRI in two weeks and then meet with my Breast Surgeon to schedule my surgery. So, it will happen in the next 30 days or so. That is scaring me to death. I keep hearing it's not as bad as I think and it's more emotional than anything. But, I am a very anxious person. I worry and get myself all worked up just from the anticipation of what's to come. So, this is making me almost sick and I feel like I'm floating and can't focus on life right now.
I hope, with time, I will feel differently and when I start getting back to normal, post chemo, I will feel different, too.
I know my body had some healing to do now and I am pretty patient, so I will put my faith in God, and I know a lot of people have gone through this and have survived a very long time. I will be one of those people.

I will get through surgery.
I will go to all of my follow up appointments.
I will not waste my time/life worrying about "what if it comes back"
I will live my life.
I will make each day count.
I will love more than ever

2009-02-19T07:53:00.000-08:00

Hey fellow bloggers,
I'm getting a little cabin fever. I can't wait for spring. I need to sit outside and soak up the sun and listen to the birds and watch the kids hunt for bugs. Soon. I'm tired of being cold and bald.
I am getting some hair. It doesn't make sense, I'm not even done with chemo 3 more treatments. Oh well, I'll take it. It's coming in very slowly. I'm going to order a short wig. I have 2 long ones that I don't wear. They get in my face, so if I get a short one I think I will wear it sometimes. I am bored. I've gained between 5-10 pounds depending on how well/bad I do. I seem to go up one week and down the next. I don't go to the gym because I have no hair. I just want my life back. I know it will never be the same. I'm OK with that. I've gone through a lot of changes. I have a teenager who put me through a lot. I can go with the flow and adapt to whatever life throws at me. I just feel like time is precious and now I'm waiting. Wasting time waiting to act normal again. Go to the gym, Weight Watchers. Pick up my son from school and stand with the other parents. Not try to time my grocery shopping for the slowest hr. I want to be able to look people in the eye and smile at them. Not walk with my head down and hope no one notices the hat that's covering my bald head. I am sick of this. I know it shouldn't be important. The cancer is the important thing. The chemo is doing it's job. And I am having surgery, too.
That's the other thing. I am getting very scared about being put to sleep and having my boobs cut off. I try not to think about it, but it's getting closer by the day. I know it will pass and soon it will be a memory. Reading other people's experiences helps. Like Cora's. Thank you for posting your experience. I still an very anxious.
This too shall pass.
Enough!!!
I am a very blessed person. I am thankful for all that God has given me. I am thankful for the strength He has gifted me. I will make it through this and anything else by the grace of God.
He has a plan for me and getting through this is all a part of it. I can't wait to see what He has planned for after surviving cancer. It better be good!!!!

2009-02-03T12:10:00.000-08:00

This was me (middle), my sister and brother. I was probably 3 or 4 1973 or 74. Just wanted to share.

2009-02-03T11:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in almost a month. WOW!!! time flies. I have been on the www.nosurrenderbreastcancer site a lot. I love it there. I had an MRI and my biggest tumor now measures 6mm as opposed to 1 cm from before. The smaller one is smaller too. I started Abraxane Dec. 22 and will finish on March 4th. I'll double check that tomorrow when I go for my next treatment. The abraxane is going very well. No big side effects, no premeds, no steroids. I get tired, fatigued a little still. But, with little kids, I would probably feel like that anyway. I haven't gone to the gym since Oct., nor to a Weight Watcher's meeting. I have gained between 5 and 10 lbs. I'm going up and down. I will go back, but I need to get up the courage. I've kind of became a hermit since the hair loss.
I will be meeting with my Breast Surgeon in the next week or two to discuss that. I will take a few weeks off after chemo to get my body stronger. So, I'm thinking early April. I am dreading that, but at the same time, I can't wait for it to be over. I hope I can find a Plastic Surgeon soon. My hospital doesn't have one right now. I think my BS can recommend one. I'll find out soon. I wanted to start recon. at the same time. Maybe they will find one by then.
Well, I'll check in later.
It's suppose to be in the 40's Thurs. and through the weekend. Raining Thurs. and Fri. I'm tired of the cold/snow. This has been an awful cold, lonely, depressing and looonng winter.
I can't wait to smell grass. Mow grass. Plant flowers, brush my hair, tie it back and go to the gym. Cancer free!!!!!!!! The day will come.
I will get this extra weight off, and then some. I will have new, higher boobs, and a tummy tuck to go with it. I will beat cancer and be an even stronger person.
My kids will respect me for all of this and not put me through any more stress. EVER!!!
Brandon will find success in his life, whatever that may be. He will be a happy, loving, respectful person (to others AND himself).
I pray this year treats us all better than ever.
ALL OF US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

Well, a New Year. A B-Day (1/7) 39 yrs. old now. I can't believe my next B-Day I'll be 40. I hope cancer free and beautiful blond hair. 20lbs. lighter and toned up. I can start going back to the gym. I was planned on going Mon., but SNOW. I try to avoid driving in it as much as possible. I get a little panicked/anxious. Well, my son (Brady) it patiently waiting his turn on the computer. He is allowed 2 hrs. of game play on the weekends. He's had one and then the computer froze, I got it going and kind of took over for the past 1/2 hr. I'll post later. MRI on 1/21. I'll update by then.

2008-12-31T11:22:00.000-08:00

I've had 2 Abraxane's. Going very well. My hemoglobin on Mon. 29 was 8.7 So I had to go back today for a recheck, anything lower than 8.2 and I would need a blood transfusion. It was 9.7. Thank God. Well, have a happy New Year to you all. I'm going to take a nap. I haven't taken a nap for a couple of weeks. Today, I'm tired.

2008-12-31T11:11:00.000-08:00

Christmas with my boys and Chad. I love them all so much. I am truly blessed. Brandon is bigger than Chad. WOW!!!!! Brandon and me.

2008-12-27T08:56:00.000-08:00

Brady will be 7 Jan. 5th. Braiden turned 4, Dec. 15th.

They are my angels. Brandon, 17 was here for Christmas.

I will post those pictures next week. I need to download them to the computer first. We had a great Christmas. Brandon was a little depressed when he left, to go back home with Gma and Gpa. Things are so different for him. I love him so much. I think he's growing up a lot. I wish things didn't have to be this way, him not living here. But this is the only way. I know he feels left out sometimes. It was just him and I for almost 10 years of his life. He wishes he could go back to being 5 yrs old again. I try to tell him to appreciate this time. He has two little brothers who love him to death. He isn't locked up. I am very thankful for that. I wasn't too sure about him over the last couple of years. I just pray he'll find peace and happiness. I pray for him all of the time. I miss him so much some days. I mostly miss him being little and on my lap safe and sound. Growing up can be so sad. Sometimes I look at my two little ones, during a bath or quiet times when we're just talking and I hug them so tight and implant the memory of this moment and just whisper in their ear, "I'm really gonna miss you when you grow up". They promise they will always be my good little boys and always visit me. It's so sweet. Now I've made myself cry.

No more Taxol for me

2008-12-19T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well, where do I begin?
First, at the time of my first Taxol infusion the nurse and pharmacist told me how I'd feel and to say something even if I thought it was all in my head for the allergic reaction to the cremaphor (sp.) they use in Paclitaxol, most Taxols. Well, here are the signs: tightening in the chest, lower back pain, tightening in the throat, shortness of breath, just to name the first signs. If I were to experience any of these they would stop the Taxol, give me more Benadryl in my IV. Benadryl, Pepcid, Decadron ( I think that's it) are all premeds and need to be on board for 1 hr. before Taxol infusion. Then, they give me an eppy shot, which is on hand. From the beginning, there is a nurse sitting by my side, watching any color changes (redness) in my face and asking me how I'm doing for the first 15-20 min. Slowly infusing 2 min. at a time then 5. During my first infusion, I had some lower back pain, but, I explained that I was having some in the prior week. It lasted a couple of minutes, never got too bad and went away. Then, I "thought" I had a little weird feeling in my chest, tightening? I didn't say anything at first, it went away. So, I got my first Taxol, "no problem". I should have trusted my body. Always trust your body!!!!! I found out the hard way. During the next two weeks (8 days post Taxol) I bought a new lip plumbing gloss. That night, I had severe itching, the next morn. my face and hands were very swollen, the itch has moved, spread to my stomach and back, the next day I had hives on my legs and stomach, itchy still, the next day hives on my chest, itchy of coarse, I took Benadryl. I was awake for three nights in a row, itching in misery. Did I call my Onc., no I blamed it on the lip gloss. It's not unusual for me to react to certain products like self tanning lotion, even reg. types of lotion.
I had my 2nd Taxol appointment Wed. 12/17. I mentioned all of this to my Onc. along with all of the explanations, and the late reaction like itch and hives, etc. I told her I was researching Abraxane, she said it was still new, they would probably start using it more often a few yrs. down the road, but ins. don't like to pay for it unless Taxol fails. It is 4x more expensive than Taxol. I felt like I was having a premonition, looking back. I started crying uncontrollably when she left the room, and wasn't sure why. In the infusion suite, getting my IV, the nurse was making small talk and when she asked me how old I was, I started bawling. I felt like I was getting a really bum deal, and again I think they were all "red flags".
Well, I got my premeds, the nurse said they didn't need to be on board for as long this time because I didn't react the 1st time. So, 45 min. later they started the Taxol drip. This time, no one sat with me no eppy shot was on hand, and I had a reaction within the 1st 2 min. I felt my chest tighten up and said, to one of the nurses' backs and Chad sitting by me, "I feel something weird in my chest" after saying it a second time loudly, my throat tightened up. That's when everyone started moving. I was gasping for air, wheezing, and my head felt like it was going to explode. They stopped the Taxol. "Tried to administer the Benadry into my IV, something went wrong and she had to get another syringe of Benadryl. There were at least 1/2 dozen nurses and Dr. all around at this point. I had my eyes closed concentrating and breathing and waiting for them to help me. Chad said The nurse pushing the Benadryl was barely pushing it, a Dr. paged in was standing there and yelled push that faster, as he watched my heart rate climb to the high 170's. I'm not sure how high it got, or how low my BP got, but I will find out when I go back. I know I was pretty close to cardiac arrest. I'm still waiting for my eppy shot. Time seemed to stop. The pharmacist gets it ready and I hear them talk for a second about where to give it. Give it already!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was gasping so hard, trying to take deep breaths, I sounded like a dying animal. I bet I scared all the other people in the infusion center. Can you imagine the first timers?? So, what seemed like an eternity the eppy shot started to work, I believe I was going into shock, I started puking, Chad said my face was white, and the back pains went from lower to upper to neck to legs. I felt like I was in a vice, literally paralyzed with pain. My Onc. got there after the eppy shot, when I was starting to talk again. My throat was still tight and sore from trying to breathe. I got morphine in my IV. She was so sorry she didn't listen to me better, I told her it wasn't her fault, I explained all of the warning signs away, I'm to blame for not listening to my own body. She even said that now she wouldn't rule out the post itch, hive, swelling to a reaction to Taxol. We'll never know for sure. But, NO MORE TAXOL FOR ME. I get Abraxane Mon. The infusion time for this is about 1/2 hr. no premeds, less side affects, and I've read it is more aggressive in treating breast cancer. yeah!!!!!! I get three weeks in a row, one off, three on, one off, three on. 12 weeks total. Then I will take about 6-8 week off to get my body (cells) back up for surgery. Mastectomy!!!!!!! I can not wait until this ordeal is over. After everything so far, I will opt. for a bilateral mastectomy. Get rid of them both. Oh, if I didn't already mention it I am BRCR-. Good news!!! Well, I will post next week and let you all know how the Abraxane goes. Oh, I am also on 20 mg 2x/day of decadron (prednezone) This morning was my last. So, I've been outside shoveling, scraping, we got around 1/2 inch of ice over night. My neighbor banged on his window and asked if I could help him get out. He couldn't open his front door, the ice was in the way, so I dug him out. I don't think I would've been able to had I had chemo, and not on 20 mg of steroids. But, I did it. I'm glad I get an extra few days until next chemo. Plus, I'm hopeful Abraxane won't be as bad as what I've had so far A/C yuk and 1 Taxol, double yuk, and the fiasco with the 2nd. Nothing could be worse than that.

Well, I'm signing off. Just remember when it comes to your gut, listen to it, no matter what the situation! No one knows you better than you.
Love you all,

Stacy

2008-12-08T11:33:00.000-08:00

Five days post Taxol. I had the nerve pain side effects all day Sat. and Sun. It felt like someone was poking me all over with needles and a severe case of restless leg syndrome. I thought I was going nuts. It's better today. It's a dull ache. RLS x 10. Very frustrating. I am going to ask my Onc. if there is any pain meds. for this. I just have the usual Decadron, Zofran, and Ativan. Same as for A/C. I don't even need the first 2. No nausea. I know I'm luckier than most. but this pin prickling feeling is awful. I read about a Neuropath Dr? I'm not sure. Does anyone know about this. I will be dreading next chemo more than ever. 3 more and I'm done. I think I'll have a bilateral mastectomy. I can't imagine doing this again in the future. If my insurance pays for it, I will get tested for the Breast Cancer gene. I already took the blood for it, just waiting on ins. approval, if they don't pay, I won't be able to get the test, it cost $4,000. I don't have a family history that I know of. But, if I do have the gene, they want to do a bilateral mastectomy and remove my ovaries. Whatever it takes. Cancer will not have a chance to get me again.
AND this morning I get a call from my mom, where my 17 yr old son, Brandon, lives. His "girlfriend" has been throwing up and thinks she might be pregnant. I had to calm my mom down. IF she is we will deal with it. I hope she just has the flu, or is lying (which is very possible). She already has a 10 mo. old son whose father is nonexistent. Brandon is going to job corp. in Jan. I told him this is just more reason to go and get a trade. Because if they are going to have not one, but two babies, he will need a good job. I'm glad I don't freak out like my mom, she has made some threats towards the girl and told Brandon he can't see her anymore. I'll calm her down and make her see how she is overreacting. Some things we can not change, we only can deal with them. She likes to think she can change anything to work for her, by intimidation and threats mostly. This is why we didn't talk for over a year. Anyway, pray for Brandon. God has a plan and I'm not sure why he would bring another baby into this girls life with Brandon, who is just starting to grow up, but I guess I shouldn't question HIS will. Besides, we all have free will. They chose to have unprotected sex. God can't control that. She swore to me she was on birth control. Liar. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again for all the prayers and support.
Love,
Stacy

2008-12-04T17:22:00.000-08:00

well, I just noticed that I haven't check in for a while. Busy, tired, life, you know. I finished my A/C chemo and have started my Paclitaxel yesterday. I was told the side affects weren't as bad as A/C. I am achy tonight, but that's from the Neulasta. I'm tired and grouchy. I feel sorry for my family the first few days after each chemo. I don't like myself that much, and now the snow starts. I absolutely hate, (and I don't use that word unless I mean it) driving in the snow. I get panic attacks if there is snow or ice on the road. It doesn't matter how little there is, I hate it. Well, enough negativity. I do think it's very beautiful from my window, if I have no where to go.
Back to the treatment. I had an MRI Mon. 12/1. The tumor board hasn't officially met. They will meed tomorrow, but my Onc. talked to one of the members yesterday before my chemo and the bigger tumor is still showing shrinkage, but the two smaller ones don't "seem" to be any smaller, so I will continue with this chemo and another MRI to check progress. If they don't start to grow we will do surgery after completion of chemo. If they actually start to grow, we will obviously need to do surgery, then finish chemo. Let's pray they respond better to the taxel. Thanks to all of you who are helping me pray for this. I am getting a little frustrated, just a little. I refused to give in to negativity. All of you are such a big help. Thank you. Have a great holiday.

2008-11-24T09:49:00.000-08:00

May '08: Me and my 3 boys - Brandon 17, Brady 6 and Braiden 3.

Hanging in there

2008-11-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

I had my last A/C Wed. I'm the normal tired, fatigued and depressed two days later. I've got the constipation under control. I take colace 2 days before, the day of and as many days after as I need to, it helps soooooo much. I hate the puffiness the few days after chemo and I always gain like 5 lbs. within 2 days. But, I get another MRI Dec. 1st and if the tumors are still shrinking we will start Paclitaxel. 4 rounds every other Wed. starting Dec. 3. There are less side effects with that. If the tumors have stopped shrinking we will discuss which surgery I will need. Then finish the chemo. I can't think that far ahead, but I have been reading about mastectomies and reconstructive surgery. I am not looking forward to that. I just keep thinking the sooner it gets here the sooner it will be over. I know I'm doing better than most on this chemo. I just had a house full of sick people. First, my niece, then Chad, then Brady. He missed 3 days of school. Chad missed 4 days of work spread out in 2 weeks. He had it, was better, then got it again. Stomach flu. Braiden and I were the only ones that didn't get it. Thank God. I sanitized everything all day long. Washed hands constantly, bleached bathrooms daily, kept hand sanitizer in every room. Wore a mask when I was in close contact with the sick. I think it's gone. Knock in wood. I'm just glad that I wasn't feeling bad (from chemo) it hit in the second week, so I usually feel pretty good during my second week. Usually. Last time I had headaches more in the second week. I am drinking more caffeine now. I tried to quit when I started chemo. The headaches were too much. My onc. said maybe this wasn't a good time to quit caffeine. I limited it, but can't go cold turkey. It's ok. I read somewhere you shouldn't drink caffeine during chemo. Wrong. Be careful what you read. You just shouldn't count it as your daily water, which you also need. I already know that from Weight Watchers. Anyway, I just wanted to check in with all of you. I will update after my MRI. I feel good about it. I will know at my next Onc. appointment Dec. 3.
God Bless you all who visit me. Thank you

2008-11-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, one more thing. I've been getting out a little more, with hats only, I really want to get over worrying about being looked at, so I just decided to get out and look back with a smile. Chad ordered some hats and accessories for me the other night. I feel better about being bald. I'm sure it will get easier with time. I'm just glad it's not in the middle of summer. I'd rather be a little cold and double up in hats if i need to than be hot and sweaty with a hat. I really try to be positive, thanks to my kids, I never used to be, in those oh so depressing, thought I had nothing to live for, teen years. My kids will be more positive about life than I was, because I am showing them how to overcome all obstacles, with a smile.

2008-11-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

Two days post Chemo 3. Heart looks the same as before Chemo so we are continuing AC. One more now. Then another kind, I'm not sure of the name. In all reality I will need some sort of surgery, depending on how small the tumors get and if they can get clean margins, but I try not to think about that too much, just focusing on the good news for now. I'm feeling pretty good today. I haven't taken any meds., yet. I do the first two days, but I do better the third day and the headaches and constipation are not fun. Anyway, I hope everyone who checks in with me is well. I'm so glad I started this blog. All of your comments and support are so helpful and inspiring.

2008-10-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Here are my hair buzzing pictures. Now I'm all stubbly and itchy. Does anybody have any advice? I don't want to shave the stubble, because I'm afraid of razor burn. I just hope that the stubble will fall out anyway in a few more days. I'm ok with the bald look. I did it Sat. and today was the first day I left the house. I wore my wig to the store and it bugged me. So, I just wore a hat to pick up Braiden from preschool. The teachers know about everything, but I felt like everyone was looking at me, even in the car at stop lights. I know I'm being paranoid and I'll get use to it, but today was the first day out and I cried a little in the car, knowing this is going to be the way I look for a number of months. My oldest son Brandon, 17 who lives with my mom doesn't even want to see me because he says he can't handle it. I told him on myspace that I'd wear my wig or hat. I'm still his mom. I sent pix to my mom. He saw them. I just keep telling him that I'm ok and fine with being bald. I get my MRI Fri. 10/31 to see the progress of my chemo. I can feel a big difference in the lumps already. Thanks to all of you for your prayers. Keep it up. I know it's working. God Bless you all.

Losing hair by the handful

2008-10-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

well, Wed Oct. 22, 14 days after chemo #1, just like my Onc. told me. There is was in my hands in the shower, getting ready for my 2nd chemo treatment. I cried a little and got a grip. Then at the Onc. office waiting, I looked in the mirror to just run my fingers through it and it was flying out. Chad grabbed a wad from the back of my head and that did it. I bawled like a baby. After a minute I felt kind of stupid, I know I am so much more fortunate than so many others. I have so much to be hopeful for, I decided to get my head shaved. I have the wig and wear hats a lot the last two days, just to keep it from getting all over. So, now that I'm dealing with the reality of hair loss now, I can't wait for it to just be gone and over with. I feel OK though, other than really tired. Chad will pick up Brady from school at 3:30 and then I will go take a little nap until supper time. I know I'm blessed. I think my oldest one Brandon, 17, who lives with my mother is taking things hard. He doesn't talk about it much, and when I bring up chemo, or going bald, ( I joke about things a lot) he wants to change the subject. Although, my mom told me that once when she was crying about me, he said "Don't you know my mom's a soldier, she's gonna be fine." I told him he's made me the strong person I am today. He's been through, and put me through a lot. He is suppose to join Job Corp., hopefully, Nov. 1. Please pray this works out, it is my last bit of hope that he will be OK. By OK, I mean able to function in society, have a home, job, car and stay out of trouble, jail or worse. Well, it's almost time for my nap. I'll check in later. Thank to everyone for your support. I love you all.

2008-10-18T11:16:00.001-07:00

New pictures

2008-10-16T08:47:00.000-07:00

I checked in with my Dr. yesterday, did labs, my white/red cell and platelets are where she expected, low, but on the way up for the next week. I felt so good yesterday and today. Like my old self again. I am going to enjoy the next week. Wed. will be my next chemo, 2nd one. I went to the hospitals beauty shop yesterday. They have a "Look Good Feel Better" program for chemo patients. The wigs, hats, etc. are free. I was looking for a med-length blond, a little lighter than my own hair, I've always wanted to go platinum, but can't afford the upkeep. So, the lady tells me they are very low on blond wigs, they had one, which was shorter than my hair since I've gotten it cut, so I'm trying it on being gracious and she says it's about time to order new blond wigs, I could pick one out and she'd order it for me. How awesome is that?! I actually got to pick out the style and color I wanted and it's free. I am so happy. I got a few hats, too. I joke with Brady, my 6 yr. old about picking him up from school bald. He wants me to wear my wig and a hat. I keep preparing the boys. I have such a great family. Well, time to pick up Braiden, 3 from preschool. Have a good day!!!!

2008-10-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Today is Tue. Oct. 14. Normal day. I have a bad headache. My vision is a little blurry. I feel pretty good besides that. I have a Dr. app'tment tomorrow and go to the beauty shop to look for a wig. Yuk. I haven't started losing my hair yet. Probably in a week or so Doc says. I am freaking out. I hope it isn't going to send me into "hibernation". I want to be strong and positive, but it's my hair. I just have to focus on the positive. It's a nice day today. I cleaned this morning. Now, it's about time to feed my little rugrats lunch, then they have nap, rest time, so that will be my time to kick back in my recliner and do nothing for an hour or so. Chad picks up Brady from school now. That is great for me, because we always have to walk like 2 blocks to the school. Parking sucks there, between construction and street repair, so I don't have to drag these two out for that. That is a big help. Well, lunch time. Check in later.

2008-10-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

Oct. 13
going to bed. Getting the kids ready for bed at least. Can't wait to go to bed. Tired, grouchy, constipated. That really sucks. Going to eat a couple of prunes, I guess.

2008-10-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

2008-10-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

not much to say about today. Sunday, laundry, baths, etc. ready for the work week. Thank God for me I'm a stay at home mom. Brady, 6 is in first grade. He is my Sweety Petey, Angel. Braiden, 3 is home with me. Tue, and Thurs. is preschool from 9:00 - 11:15 a.m., he is my sweetheart motivation. He is truly mamma's boy. My sweet Ava my niece, I babysit for my sister-in-law. Since I have no girls, she is my little princess. She loves my so much. And I her. We have a special bond. I've watched her since she was about 2 months old. She's 2 1/2. Pure sweetness. I am very lucky to be able to stay at home, especially during chemo treatments. And all the family offers to take 1/2 day, shifts, whatever I need to help out. So far, so good. It's only been 5 days since first chemo. I do have a lot of fatigue. But, I can handle that being at home a lot. I'm going to bed now. Take care everyone out there. God be with each of you, I know he's with me. Pray for my oldest son Brandon. I know he misses us (his family) he live with my mom. Long story. I'll get into that someday. He needs all the prayers he can get. He really is a good hearted boy. I love him more that my life. Good night!!!!

B-day party

2008-10-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

It's Brandon's 17 birthday. He showed me his 12 stitches he got on his forearm from a few nights ago, in the wrong part of town, running his mouth. He lives with my mom, so I have to do a lot of praying for his safety. Her/his town isn't so bad, but he goes to the bigger one 20 min. away. since the knifing. We have agreed to pull him out of school and send him to job corp. He will no longer be risking his life for false friends. he's my first born, I could not lose him to stupid stuff.
He's with me tonight. I hope he is happy. I'm feeling good today, just fatigued. Depressed. Is that normal. I'm crying off and on all the time and am not sure why? I'll add pix tomorrow from the party tonight. goodnight all.

2008-10-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

Hanging out with my family. Good times. The boys are into the New Kids on The Block. Like I was 15-20 years ago. It's so cool. Them singing and dancing to my all time favorite band back together. And it's something they will always remember about me. I always talk to them about my favorite stuff. And all the things each one of them have in common with me. I quiz them on occasion so they never forget. I still remind Brandon, 17 tomorrow of his childhood. There were a lot more good times, that he needs to be reminded of, he's a negative teen-ager. I need to stay positive with him, all of them.

2008-10-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

Oct. 10, 2008 Brandon's 17 B-Day is tomorrow. I hope he goes to job corp. He wants to now, we'll see. He needs it badly. I think my cancer has gotten him thinking about being a better person. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe, just maybe this was the thing to get him to start thinking about life and how he wants his to go. I hope good comes out of this.

2008-10-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

Day after chemo. feeling good, hope it lasts. Thanks to all who have been on my blog, all of the support. But, stop making me cry. Just kidding. I will keep you all updated as I go through my journey. This helps to here about you're stories and words of support and encouragement.

thanks, Stacy

2008-10-07T20:08:00.001-07:00

new haircut day before chemo.

my family

2008-10-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

2008-10-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

I have lost 72 lbs. on Weight Watchers since April '08.

I feel wonderful. Went from a size 22 to 8. I have lost about 15 more lbs. since the after picture. I'll post a new pix soon.

kids

2008-10-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do with Brandon. He'll be 17 Oct. 11. He is into some trouble I just know it and I don't know what to do about it. I am afraid for him. God be with my baby.